Transform Your Pain Into Purpose with Tim Shriver’s Must-Read Interview with the Phelps

If there’s one message I hear over and over again, it’s this: “We’re in crisis.” Is it a crisis of loneliness? Or a crisis of our politics? Or a crisis of mental health?

Or could it be a “spiritual crisis.” That’s my favorite term because it speaks to my soul. I feel like we’re struggling to feel connected to a larger purpose, to feel a part of something bigger, and to have faith that the others around us are on the same team.

“I’m just exhausted,” one friend said to me. “I want a rest from all the contempt.” Just yesterday, another friend confided, “I’ve decided to wall myself in. I’m going to keep to myself and a very small circle. There’s too much hatred out there.”

Individuals face a spiritual crisis when they turn against themselves. When it feels like multiple value sets, missions, and identities are at war within you. The result is self-hatred, self-doubt, and exhaustion. But what happens when it plays out within the collective? We all get sick. We all get stuck. We all can’t trust each other. At some level, we all can’t trust ourselves. 

So what’s the way out? I’ve been blessed to have great role models of spiritual hope and healing in my life—role models who have taught me that by treating each other with dignity and working with moral courage, we can transform pain into purpose—people who have reminded me over and over again to take a chance, to try again, to not give up, to do my best to make the world even just a little better.

But that’s not just my role models—that’s millions of us. Beneath the surface, millions of us are striving to see the good, to believe that it matters, to know that it’s ours to do. The people who give us a lift—those are the people who strengthen my soul and inspire my belief in myself and the future, too. 

And I believe it’s lifting up these voices that will lift all of us up—and out—of this spiritual crisis. 

That’s why I’m launching a new podcast, “Need A Lift?”

One of our first episodes is with Michael and Nicole Phelps who are among the highest achieving Americans alive today! But our discussion isn’t about medals and pageants; it’s about facing your lowest-lows and asking for help; it’s about struggling with rejection and letting it go; and it’s about cultivating an inner life that can inspire other lives. Michael and Nicole, in other words, are engines of human lift!! After you listen, I know you’ll agree. And it’s just a taste of what will be coming your way in future episodes on our podcast as we meet parents, peace activists, optimists, leaders of social change and together unearth powerful truths and simple practices to help strengthen our spirits. 

I know there are millions of people in our country who are tired of the contempt that surrounds us and are starving for an alternative. And I’m equally convinced that there are millions of people in our country who aren’t talking about problems but are solving them. I’m going to get as many of them as I can to offer us all a lift.

I hope you’ll join us for this front row seat to the best of humanity.

A CONVERSATION WITH MICHAEL AND NICOLE PHELPS

Is there's any kind of ritual or practice you use that helps you stay grounded, centered, focused or healthy?

Nicole Johnson-Phelps: I pretend I meditate every day. It doesn't always happen, but that's my desire. In those ten minutes I do my best to not think about anything else. But as a mom of four and a brand-new puppy, and as Michael's wife, it doesn't always work to silence my brain for ten minutes. So, that’s why I say I pretend.

When I'm really losing it, I journal. That re-centers me and lets me dump whatever needs to come out of my head so that I feel a little more grounded.

Michael Phelps: I journal. It's something I've enjoyed doing for a long time. I always like getting everything out on paper and then being able to go back and look at those days and try to understand more about why they were the way they were.

Being in the swimming world, I was constantly trying to get a hundredth of a second faster—always looking to get more out of myself so that hopefully tomorrow, I'd be better and more prepared than I was today.

One of the things that I think a lot about is how we collectively heal. You guys broke up a couple times and got back together. How did you heal?

Nicole Johnson-Phelps: We probably had two or three breakups. It wasn't easy to break up and go our separate ways. But something always led us back together. On the third breakup, we were testing the waters of getting back together, and Michael ended up in a treatment center.

I ended up at family week at that center, and I think that was where I truly learned to heal and learned reconciliation. Because prior to that, I held onto the past—to the hurts and the pains that the other person puts you through.

That’s not the way that you move forward and forge a really good relationship. You have to let some things go sometimes.

Michael, how did you know that the great Michael Phelps needed help?

Michael Phelps: The easiest way to say it is this: When I woke up the next morning after taking all of my Ambien and I was still alive. I had never taken 30 milligrams of Ambien. I had some drinks that night and thought, Oh, let's see what 30 milligrams does.

I woke up the next morning and I was like, Okay, I need to figure something out because if I don't, then it's just going to continue to spiral. In that very moment, I knew I needed to seek professional help.

It was the first time in my life I really had to become vulnerable because I was at that stage where I didn't really know what to do and I didn't know who to turn to and I knew I needed help.

We all have to let go of hurts, wounds, and stories. How do you get good at letting go while you're still trying to stay good at getting better?

Michael Phelps: I can't control what happened yesterday. I sure as hell can't control what happened 30 years ago. What I can control is right now. And if I can talk about feelings and emotions—if I can unload those weights that are on my back—it’s the way to get through things.

And the more you communicate about those things, the easier it becomes to talk about them—and the easier it is to become vulnerable.

Nicole what are you feeling when you listen to that?

Nicole Johnson-Phelps: I think Michael is dead on. We have the choice to let go of things. We have the choice to work on learning to let go of those things. Some of those things are bigger, and some of them are smaller. But if you do the practice of making the choice to let go of something small, then you're practicing to let go of those things when they become bigger.

And I think the vulnerability that Michael's talking about is being able to walk over to somebody and say, Hey, I'm going to be vulnerable with you right now. This is what I'm feeling. This is what I experienced. And I need you to hear it.

I think that's what a lot of Michael and my work together has been. Learning to let go of things that happened in the past to allow us a happier, a better, an easier. future.

Michael, you mentioned the word vulnerability. Do you think it's harder for men to be open?

Michael Phelps: I think vulnerability is a scary word for a lot of people, but I think it's particularly scary for men—especially in athletics and sports, where competition is almost like battle in a way. It’s easy to see it as a sign of weakness.

This is how it was for me throughout the majority of my career—until my last ride, my last go at the Olympics, which was completely different. I basically said, I don't care. I'm doing it this way and I'm going to share and I'm going to be vulnerable.

To me it almost felt like a superpower. I mean, my kids call me Aquaman. And I almost felt like I was Aquaman. I came back and I won some gold medals, but I was also more mentally prepared and, ready to handle whatever was possibly going to be flung in my way.

I think for me, most of my swimming career, I looked at myself as just a swimmer, not somebody that had feelings and emotions. I looked at myself as somebody that wore a pair of cap and goggles and. Put a swimsuit on and yeah, I won a ton of races and broke a ton of world records, but that's all I saw myself as. I didn't see myself as that human being.

My last Olympics, I was able to stand taller and prouder because I was like, I am who I am and I don't care what people say. I'm just going to go out and be me.

Michael, you’ve had this feeling that probably every little kid somehow dreams of: You're standing on a medal stand, the country's national anthem is playing, and the flag is there. How do we give other people that feeling?

Michael Phelps: It’s important to say that I wasn't able to do this whole mission by myself. I did the physical things, but everything else? I wouldn't have been able to do that without a team. I don't like saying the word can't, but you can't do things by yourself. I learned that the hard way and it put me in a very, very, very dark spot—a spot where I didn't want to be alive anymore. So, you know, I learned that teamwork truly does make the dream work.

This week, Michael and Nicole, what's giving each of you a lift?

Michael Phelps: This might sound really weird, but yesterday during my workout, I actually sweat. And I never sweat. There was one move today that I couldn't do, which means I learned something different about my body.

Nicole, what about you? What’s giving you a lift?

Nicole Johnson-Phelps: Watching our son, Maverick, get more comfortable going to school. To watch him make his way through the emotions that he's feeling when he goes to school? That’s given me a lift.