Relationship Therapist and Author Terry Real Says 'Fierce Intimacy' Is Where It's At. Wondering If You Have It…Or How to Get It? Read On.

Terrence ('Terry”) Real dedicates every essence of his career to bringing people into connection. The revered therapist and author, and founder of the Relational Life Institute, refers to his work as 'relational living”…a means of recognizing and honoring the transformative, life-enhancing, and critical nature of being in deep connection with oneself and others.

One of the core concepts of this work is 'fierce intimacy”…and Real offers people a map and toolkit for getting it. The crux is to move past the toxic individualistic, patriarchal pillars Real believes have wreaked havoc on humanity. 'We live in very divisive, disconnected times,” he tells me over Zoom. 'The state of disconnection is the main thing that ails us as a society, as well as in our relationships and with ourselves.” 

By igniting the depths of true connection, Real, whose forthcoming book is US: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, believes we enhance our lives and worlds in immeasurable ways. 'What we know from research is intimacy is what the human species was designed for. Intimacy is the thing that makes us happy and healthy.”

We sat with Real this past week to discuss the the pillars of fierce intimacy…and the main ways we can all start weaving it into our lives today.

A Look at Fierce Intimacy with Terrence Real

Fierce Intimacy: What Is It?

Fierce intimacy, as Real defines it, is 'having the courage and the skill to take one another on.” This means in the good, the bad, the hard…all of it in a relationship. 

To Get It, Begin with the Self

Real believes one of the gravest issues we face today is being in an un-intimate state and being disconnected. 'For example, I believe that what we medicate when we self-medicate…which is an epidemic…is the pain of disconnection,” he says. 'This is disconnection from ourselves, from our feelings, from our desires, from our voice, and from others.” 

What restores us most deeply is the restoration of connection to ourselves, Real continues. 'Most of us don't have loving relationships with ourselves. We're pretty hard on ourselves and our relationship to ourselves can be worked on, just like any other relationship. As a young man, I loathed myself. I was violent with myself, and I inherited that from the violent background that I grew up in. We handle ourselves the way we were handled unless we do the healing work of changing that. So when I talk about connection, the first order of business is creating a connection to yourself in a loving way. How to hold yourself warmly and tenderly in the face of your human imperfections. That's in short supply in this culture.”

Next, Be Open to Disharmony and Repair

The other 'great thing” about intimacy work, in tandem with connecting with ourselves, is our connection to the people around us: those we love through empathy, accountability, cherishing. The issue is that we lack the practical tools to live that way, says Real. 'And that's what my work is about. It's about giving people a map of what real intimacy looks like, but also a toolkit for getting there.

Real continues: 'I see couples on the brink of divorce that no one else has been able to help. That's my specialty. And virtually all those couples are missing a mechanism of repair.” A true relationship, according to Real, is 'an endless dance of harmony, disharmony, and repair.” This includes periods of closeness, disruption, and return to closeness. But, 'in our culture, we don't give people the tools to move from disharmony into repair,” he says. 'In our culture, we don't even acknowledge disharmony, to begin with. A good relationship is just all harmony, which is complete bullsh*t.”

Engage in Learning Constructive Skills

So how do we get from those terrible states of disillusionment back into repair with each other? That's where the skills come in, says Real, who emphasizes that this work is hard. 'We go through periods that are dark and that's okay,” he says. 'But we have to know how to get back into the light. Fierce intimacy is the art of taking each other on in ways that are constructive and skilled.” 

What happens is most people do try to take the issues on once or twice or three times, but when it doesn't go well, they back off, Real explains. Suddenly, you tell yourself you're compromising or you're settling. 'But the reality is, you're not: Resentment is building up. Generosity dries up. Passion and sexuality dry up and you start drifting apart.”

Learn How to Speak with Soft Power

A critical key to getting to fierce intimacy is speaking to your partner in a way that deals with the issues and eradicates a state of festering. This is what Real calls 'soft power.” It is speaking to each other with loving, firm, clear, honest power. 

Here's why that is so critical: Real says there is an old constrictive narrative in our individualistic, patriarchal world that says we can either be connected or powerful but we cannot be both. The traditional setup is connection, affiliation, accommodation = 'feminine power” and independence, autonomy, competence = 'masculine power.” But the truth is, we can be both, says Real. We can be loving and powerful. 'What I'm teaching people, men and women, in particular, is how to speak firmly and lovingly in the same breath. How to cherish your partner and say no to them in the same sentence.”

Real gives an example:  If you're aggravated with your partner, you could say:

• 'I don't like how you're talking to me.” That's the power position.
• Or: 'I want to hear what you have to say, sweetheart. Could you tone it down and change your tone so I could hear you?” That's the soft power position.

'What a difference this is,” says Real. 'These are two ways of saying the same thing, but in the second way you're saying: ‘I cherish you while I'm confronting you.'

Release the Need to Be Right

Too often we get caught up in who's right and who's wrong. Well, the truth is: 'It doesn't matter,” says Real. 'What matters is, how are we going to act like a team and make this work for the two of us? That's what matters.” So let go of it. Put yourself aside. Be generous. 'I call this generous listening.” Rather than putting the focus on accuracy or yourself, says Real, put your focus on the subjective experience of your partner. 'You cross over the bridge to his land. You empathize with where they're at. It's not about you. It's about your partner.”

What does this sound like? Real offers this example:

• ‘I'm so sorry you feel bad. I don't want you to feel bad. I love you. Is there anything I can say or do right now that would help you feel better?'

'Put yourself at their service,” says Real. 'Remember that the person you're speaking to is not the enemy. And the reason why you're speaking is to make things better.”

You can learn more about Terry Real and pre-order his new book, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship by visiting terryreal.com.