Only You Know What's on Your Plate. Best-Selling Author and Boundaries Expert Nedra Tawwab Shows Us How to Reclaim Our Sanity When We're Feeling Maxed Out
A friend recently invited me to lunch via text. But when I read her note, I felt my chest tighten. How can she think I can do that? I thought. Doesn’t she know what I’m juggling? Hasn’t she a clue what’s on my plate?
I don't love admitting my reaction. But after seeing this post by Nedra Glover Tawwab, I was relieved to learn others may be feeling the same. The therapist and boundaries expert explains that only we know what we can juggle at a given time. Therefore, it’s up to us to make this known—to others and ourselves. “When you are overbooked, speak up,” she writes. “When you have too much on your plate, speak up.”
Given that I’m overwhelmed, and I sense that you, reader, might be too, I chatted with Tawwab to find out how to best move forward when our plates are brimming.
A Conversation with Nedra Glover Tawwab
Your post about knowing our own capacity made me feel better. How are you seeing this issue bubble up in your work?
There's this underlying assumption that people know how busy we are. Don't they know how overwhelmed I am? We get really upset at people for asking us to do things or for thinking that we have more time than we do. When in actuality, we are the only one aware of our capacity. Not anyone else.
My capacity is not your capacity. I might be tired after walking up a flight of stairs, and you might run up the stairs. If we assume that everyone can do the same thing at the same level, we will often get it wrong. So when we find ourselves being frustrated with others, we have to look at what we haven't communicated: Why does this person think that I have more time than I actually do? Do I give the appearance of having it all together or having it all figured out? What do I need more of from this person? What am I not communicating?
What’s behind this?
It's often a lack of communication. We will talk about the wonderful things that are happening: I'm doing this. I'm going here. I'm going there. That all seems effortless because we're not telling the entire story. We're just giving highlights. It’s important to give the details of what is actually happening so others can understand that you’re doing a lot.
And this is not always a lot in a bad way. Sometimes we do a lot of what we want to do, so it’s not about doing so many things that you need to stop. Rather, it’s about making people aware of the ways in which you may not be able to show up or the ways in which you may need help.
What’s the key to becoming aware of our capacity?
Notice your energy. When you see yourself getting upset at other people, point that finger inward. I am not communicating something. Something is off because this person is assuming that I have more capacity than I actually do.
So that is the first step: Notice when you are upset at someone for misreading the situation and determine how it needs to be explained to them.
How do we communicate that our plate is full?
When I’ve had people make several requests of me, I’ve often said, ‘I can’t but maybe next time.’ But then I realized I had to say more. I had to say, ‘I noticed that you have the same sort of request. I haven't been clear. I just can't do it. It's not something that I have the capacity to do.’ So you can say something like that. You can also say: ‘No, I don't have the time right now.’ Or: ‘No, I don't have the time for this thing right now.’
Sometimes, there is something else you want to do with someone, so it may be about saying: ‘I'm not able to do this, but I can do that.’ Or: ‘Here's how I want to spend time with you.’ We know what we can and can’t do more than others. It might be a no for this request but a yes for this other thing that you’re wanting to do more.
I’m curious about your capacity, given that you juggle media requests, book appearances, and all the rest. I imagine you’re pulled in many directions. Are some things easier to say no to than others?
Yes, but there are things I absolutely enjoy doing. People are often shocked that I still see clients. That is an absolute yes for me. I don't see any new clients, but the clients that I've had for years I continue to see because I like that work. So it's easy for me to say no to new people who ask to see me, but I'm very clear that I want to continue in the work that I'm doing and I want to have the capacity to help the people I'm already helping. So that no for me is the preservation of my work. If I say yes, I'm going to be overloaded.
How do I know this? I've learned the hard way.
Nedra Glover Tawwab is a licensed therapist and best-selling author. She helps people create healthy relationships by teaching them how to implement boundaries. You can find her work at nedratawwab.com and order her best-selling books, Set Boundaries, Find Peace here and The Set Boundaries Workbook here.
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