Move On
In the harrowing account of the January 6 attack on the United States Capitol, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez revealed that the violence of that day triggered for her memories of an earlier sexual assault. She recounted her experience of January 6: hiding, hearing threatening voices, crying, and facing the possibility that she was 'going to die.” (Note: Ocasio-Cortez was in the Capitol Complex during the riots.) Politics aside, her story is both heartbreaking and infuriating. It would be shocking under any circumstances, but it is incredulous that all of this was happening in real time as the nation's lawmakers were trying to do the nation's business.What caught my attention was Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's recollection of earlier times in her life when, after trauma, she was told to 'move on.” 'Move on” from the experience of being hurt, violated, terrified, and humiliated. She noted that the words, 'move on” are a not so veiled attempt to silence victims. But they can even be a tempting sentiment for victims themselves…to 'move on” and somehow erase the memory, wish away the pain, and find an alternate future in which all the hell of the past is somehow gone. It may be tempting for victims to want to move on, and it is surely a malicious exhortation from abusers. Either way, I'm guessing we've all heard it: 'move on.”But 'moving on” is destructive without the truth. It's always a mistake to 'move on” before a traumatic experience has been fully revealed, however painful that revelation might be. I spoke to a friend just yesterday who was describing her reaction to the events of January 6 and all the revelations of the last year, 'I feel such grief for what has been shown to us.” Yet wisely, she did not want to move on. Instead, she wondered about healing. That is 'the big question,” she said: 'how do we heal?” The answer will require the truth. Healing comes slowly and painfully, but it surely cannot come if we ignore reality and bury our experiences and 'move on.”In my own experience with grief, I remember trying to move on. But it never worked. Only after multiple experiences of trying to 'move on” without grieving, sharing, and struggling did I come to understand that grief requires time to reveal its lesson, and it requires a painful honesty about brokenness and loneliness and fear. When I allowed the truth of my heartbreak to be felt and shared--only then did I come closer to my own truth…fears and doubts and pain included…and with it, to a deeper connection to others and with that, to a mysterious closeness to the person I'd lost and who I'd somehow found a way to continue to love. Those are lessons I did not learn from moving on, but rather by staying put. I think President Biden and many leaders in both parties understand this. I'm not sure if impeachment trials and political debates are the right path for coming to the truth of what happened on January 6, but I do know that what we need as a country goes well beyond policy and political battles. We are living in alternate realities right now, and those realities are often the result of hidden pain and hidden grief. The one thing all these differing realities seem to have in common is that millions of Americans are feeling unheard, unseen, and unsafe. And that's a recipe for more trauma, more wounding, and more potentially deadly violence.We need healing more than legislation. We need to tell the truth and allow Americans of all political parties to express their fears and pain…not just their anger and hostility. We need to listen to each other enough to work our way toward understanding the common hopes and dreams we share: the hunger to be seen and respected, the capacity to earn a decent living, the honor of being able to take care of one's family, to feel safe, to have hope for the future. We don't just need to speak our own truth but also to be heard. We need to work our way toward a future where truth leads to healing and healing to restoration. I think that is what Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is asking for…a chance for what is hidden to be revealed. I know many people will disagree with her policy goals, but we might all find a way to agree with that hope. Blaming one another, shaming one another, and trying to 'move on” are recipes for disaster. Now is the time to move in, to move together, to move slowly, and to move closer. Then, and only then, will it be time to move on.
This essay appeared in the February 7, 2021 edition of The Sunday Paper. The Sunday Paper publishes News and Views that Rise Above the Noise and Inspires Hearts and Minds. To get The Sunday Paper delivered to your inbox each Sunday morning for free, click here to subscribe.
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