Want to Feel More Love This Holiday Season? Sex Therapist Emily Morse Told Us Exactly How to Rekindle (or Find!) a Spark

Emily Morse has been initiating conversations across generations about sex and pleasure for decades. She’s a passionate architect of change when it comes to helping women speak up for what they want, and she shines a light on why so many women struggle in this important area of their lives—whether with their libido, desires, or any number of factors that play into our sex lives.

Years ago, I interviewed a doctor who told me that sexual health is a component to Alzheimer’s prevention. I was like, “Come again?” (No pun intended!) This physician told me that you can’t really be optimally healthy without touch. After all, love, connection, and intimacy are pillars of a healthy life.

Recently, I sat down with Morse to talk about what gets in the way of this important, health-boosting aspect of our lives. We talked about the shame and anxiety so many of us feel around sex, old beliefs that can get in our way, and what we can do to drop what’s no longer serving us so that we can let pleasure in. My wish is that our conversation helps you rekindle (or find!) a spark this holiday season.

MARIA SHRIVER IN CONVERSATION WITH EMILY MORSE

You are passionate about helping women talk about pleasure, speak up for what they want, and drop old taboos about sex. Where do we start

Well first, I think it’s important to talk about what I call the pleasure thieves: stress, trauma, and shame. Those three things are keeping us from having the most pleasure in our bodies, whether it’s sexual pleasure or other types of pleasure. Because pleasure isn’t just about sex.

What I really want people to know is that pleasure is productive. The more pleasure we have in our lives, the happier lives we’re going to have.

I’d urge everyone to ask themselves: What, if anything, is holding you back from having more pleasure in your life? I encourage people to prioritize more time doing things that bring them joy, because pleasure begets pleasure.

So many women struggle with low libido and feel a desire mismatch with their sexual partner. Can you speak to this?

Desire discrepancies are one of the most common challenges among couples, where one partner wants more sex than the other one. The challenge with that is that the low desire partner tends to have all the power, because they’re the ones deciding when the sex happens. They also often have a lot of guilt around it, and a lot of shame. They may think, Why don’t I want sex? Why did I used to want it at the beginning?

A lot of us hold on to those memories of the early days of our relationships. But that’s when we have this amazing cocktail of feel-good hormones that allow us to become attracted to a partner and mate with them. Like any great drug, what comes up has to come down. So, once we’re in a relationship, chasing those early days when the sex was really great isn’t based on reality.

What’s more, it makes us avoid talking about what we should really be talking about, which is what feels good. Too many of us have never been given permission to ask that question! What’s more, a lot of women have never really had great sex beyond the early stages of the relationship because so much of sex has been oriented towards male pleasure. The way we’re set up for sex is that women think we should always be ready to go, turned on like a light switch. When men are excited, they walk in the door, see you, that might be all the foreplay they need. It often takes women a lot longer than that to get in the mood.

So, there’s always been this challenge between men and women, but people rarely share their experiences which leaves many women beating themselves up and feeling like something is wrong with them.  Now it’s on us to ask: What do I actually need to feel good in my body? To be turned on? How do I keep my own pilot light lit? And you can pose that question and answer it in conversation with your partner.

Where do we start when it comes to having that conversation?

Remember my 3 T’s strategy for having conversations about sex: timing, tone, and turf. You have to find the right time, have a curious and open tone, and talk outside the bedroom.

When it comes to timing, remember the acronym HALT: Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? That’s a terrible time to have any awkward conversation. The tone is curious, compassionate and as chill as possible. Again, the Turf is outside the bedroom, when going for a walk or on a road trip. Best to leave the bedroom for sleeping and sex.

I understand that it can feel tough to bring up this topic. You might say, “Let’s start now. I’d love to talk more about how we can make our sex life even better with more communication and more pleasure in our sexual experiences. I’ve recently learned there’s more to learn about my own sexual desire, and my own pleasure, and I think there’s a lot more there—and a lot more we could learn together.”

There is no owner’s manual to our bodies and what brings us pleasure. No one has taught us how to understand our bodies, how to have orgasms. If we can start to slow everything down—with our partners or on our own—we can start to give ourselves this education, so we better understand how we operate as sexual beings.

So, it comes down to communication, learning what you want, and then asking for what you want…

Exactly.

Emily Morse, Doctor of Human Sexuality, is the best-selling author of Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure, a pioneering MasterClass instructor on sex and communication, and host of the #1 sexuality podcast, Sex With Emily. Learn more at SexwithEmily.com or by following @SexwithEmily on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Youtube and TikTok.

Further reading on sex and pleasure:

• A Urologists's Guide to Better Sex

• Gillian Anderson Asked Women to Share Their Sexual Fantasies

• “Pleasure Is the Measure” of a Great Sex Life