Always Feeling Defensive? You’re Not Alone. Leza Danly on How to Drop the Shield
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Growing up in the leafy suburbs of Chicago, I did everything with my brothers and sisters. We played outside on humid nights until the streetlights came on, sang for hours around the piano, and invented wild stories that made us laugh until we cried.
Now our family is split down the middle politically. The chasm feels deep and wide. Three years ago, I had a conversation with my sister that devolved into a screaming fight. My walls went up.
For months after, I grieved and fretted, wondering what I could say to convince her to think like me. The separation was torture, until one day when I realized that the arguments on a loop in my head were not going to heal the pain. I made the radical decision to drop my defenses and focus on changing the only thing I could: myself.
The seductive trap of defensiveness
We know that defensiveness only entrenches separation. So why is it so seductive? When we feel unseen, devalued or unsafe, we protect rather than reveal. We defend instead of becoming vulnerable. After 30 years as a life coach and workshop leader, I know that when defensiveness arises, there is usually something important we are trying to protect.
What was I protecting? I wanted my sister’s love. At the same time, I feared betraying myself and my ideals. I believed that unless she changed, our connection would be lost forever. Yet if I backed down, would I lose connection with myself? The impossible choice left me swimming in despair.
How does defensiveness look for you? Is it blaming? Do you shut down and numb out? Make excuses?
Whether your habit is to go on the attack or to retreat in some form of avoidance, the result is the same. You think you are escaping a flood of painful emotion– the hurt, anger and debilitating fear that threatens to overwhelm you. But instead, you are blocking the very feelings that can set you free.
What if you chose to let go? Now, you might be thinking, Don’t I have to fight for what I think is right?
I get it, I really do. It’s hard to step away from the fight when you see the world changing rapidly in a direction that violates everything you hold dear. The problem is that when you’re defended, you’re also disempowered. You’re cut off from yourself and unable to respond.
There’s a liberating distinction between standing up for ideals that matter and getting drawn into a defensive battle where no one wins.
With so much at stake, both personally and globally, the world is calling on us to show up and lead. That leadership can only happen when we soften, drop our defenses, and reconnect to our vulnerable feelings. If we really care about freedom, integrity, connection and respect for humanity, our job is to live these principles. With no one to convince, we must focus on ourselves.
The transformative power of vulnerability
The antidote to a widespread emotional pandemic of defensiveness is the deep sense of connection that arises when we get intimate with our vulnerable feelings. The irony is we live in a more connected world technologically, while growing more disconnected from ourselves and each other.
Our patriarchal culture has convinced us that vulnerability is weak, and we must keep our shields up and be ready to attack. We walk through the world afraid to be truly seen, fearing ridicule or reprisal. While around us people are jockeying to be right, we can learn to get quiet and seek a deeper truth.
It may not seem like it, but trusting your realness is a courageous and subversive act that matters. Your power is always just one vulnerable feeling away.
It takes discipline to step away from the noise, to soften, to accept the tender invitation of our vulnerability… the quiet fears whispered in the middle of the night. The hidden hurt and hunger for belonging. The dream to live in a loving, cooperative world.
Shifting out of Defensiveness into Vulnerability
How do you know if what you’re feeling is vulnerable or simply another defense strategy?
Ask yourself: Am I blaming? Am I judging and feeling superior? Am I running fear scenarios and panicking about the future?
If you find yourself puffed up in indignation, running in circles or simply numbing out you are caught in the trap of defensiveness.
Then remind yourself: Defensive emotion prolongs suffering.
Vulnerability clears the fog and returns us to our true nature. When you recognize your shield is up, have compassion for yourself. Breathe and own that you’re triggered. Then push in the clutch and switch gears.
Of all the techniques to reconnect you with yourself, these three never let me down:
1. Trust the body’s wisdom.
Your body is your ally. Start by slowing down your breath. Close your eyes and tune in to your body sensations. Are your shoulders tight? Your jaw clenched? Where do you hold defensiveness in your body?
Once you find the physical tension, befriend it. Get curious. Ask it lovingly, “What are you protecting?” Allow the feelings to rise and follow them with curiosity and openness. Don’t rush it. Sit with your body and let it reveal its wisdom.
2. Write it out.
Begin each sentence with a prompt. It could be “What I’m protecting is….” or “What’s really going on is…” Just start writing, completing the same sentence over and over. At a certain point, you will write something unexpected and real, and you will begin to feel the inner movement.
3. Let Your Voices Speak
A third technique I use most often is called the Inner Mingle. This is where I give space for all the voices within. No one is excluded. I invite each voice to speak for two minutes, beginning with the inner child. I let my inner six-year-old have her say, then I move on to the teenager, the protector/defender, and whatever voices step up. I always end with the wise voices of my inner guides.
With any of these approaches, you must be patient with yourself, inviting a deeper truth, until you soften and find your vulnerability. Once the tears start flowing, I know I’ve hit paydirt. For you, it might be a different signal.
Your authenticity IS your leadership
Once you are connected to yourself, it may surprise you to learn it almost doesn’t matter which precise steps you take next. Your right action will emerge. Standing up for your ideals might look like attending a march or supporting the organizations that speak to you. Even more potent, your authentic presence will act like a homeopathic drop of healing. That’s where the real magic lives.
Are you willing to trust the silent revolution of souls awakening to their realness? Do you believe that daring to connect more deeply with yourself is enough?
When the walls come down and vulnerability leads the way, everything changes. My sister and I still disagree, but I no longer feel the need to change her. Instead, I focus on what matters, keeping my heart open to life’s gifts and becoming the change I wish to see.
Master life coach Leza Danly has been coaching individuals and groups for over 30 years. She founded Lucid Living, which offers a robust curriculum of transformational workshops. She is currently working on memoirs in two forms: a book and a one-woman show, Soul Breadcrumbs, which debuts in July at the Bainbridge Performing Arts Center. You can read more of her work at lezadanly.com.
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