Therapist Laura Berman’s Son Died Tragically. Here Are Her 5 Tips to Surviving (and Even Enjoying) the Holiday Season When You’re Grieving

Grief swells to a crescendo during the holidays.

You can try to outrun his favorite Christmas carol (but it finds you, in the aisle of Walgreens when you're defenseless and unprepared, with a handful of gift tape and Advil and your eyes blurring with hot, angry tears). 

You can order takeout instead of facing the recipes she is not here to make anymore (but she comes to you in dreams, in shadows, a touch on your shoulder when no one is there).

You can keep a smile—and a buzz—during holiday parties (but breathing hurts, and your heart feels like a tomb). 

You can steadfastly refuse any memories that speak of a past that no longer exists. But they find you, always… this I know. 

It's another holiday season without my middle son. My Sammy. I could tell you about the emptiness, the rage, the bone-deep ache, the loneliness. But something tells me, you know.

But in the years since his death, I have found ways to cope with the inevitable onslaught of grief that comes every November. I have learned that there is a special way you need to carry grief during the holidays, a special way you need to tend to your heartbrokenness. 

If you are struggling to cope right now, I hope these ideas help you to create pockets of comfort and even joy this holiday season:

Disrupt your 'normal.' 

This is your sign that you don't have to host Christmas dinner. You don't have to attend your family's holiday party, go to Christmas Eve mass, or do any of your usual holiday traditions. You don't have to buy a single gift or light a single candle. 

You aren't dishonoring your loved one or your beloved memories together if you want to build new traditions. Maybe just for this year, maybe for every year. Whether you want to celebrate the holidays slightly differently, or you don't want to celebrate at all, you know best what you need. Even if you have children or grandchildren and you feel pressure to perform a certain level of holiday cheer, don't be afraid to be honest and advocate for yourself. Whether you just aren't up for decorating a tree or you don't want to bake cookies, the most important gift you can give your family this holiday season is your own wellness. 

Let yourself lose it. 

The effort of 'keeping it all together' can be more painful than the grief you are trying to outrun. Give yourself permission to completely give in to your grief (in a safe way). This might look like screaming into a pillow or a sink full of water or beating pillows with your fists. (I have been known to use a bat on my patio cushions in the backyard when I have anger I need to move through me). Stop avoiding the Christmas songs that trigger you or the holiday movies that turn you into a puddle. Instead, give yourself permission to have that catharsis. Let yourself cry until you don't have a single tear left. You might be afraid that if you start, you will never stop, but you will. We all do, eventually. In fact, almost always, you'll feel lighter afterward, almost like a pressure valve has been released. And if you want, get yourself a hot cocoa afterward and cuddle in bed with a stuffed animal or your partner. Maybe take a nap or a bubble bath. Treat yourself like a child who just endured a difficult tantrum. Be ridiculously gentle with yourself.

Use your breath. 

Grief triggers our nervous system and can even initiate a fight-or-flight or freeze-or-fawn reaction. If you find yourself feeling extremely anxious or irritable during the holiday season, it could be your grief initiating this primal response in the body. You can cope by using your breath to calm your nervous system. Try this simple 3-4-5 breathing exercise: 

For 3 minutes, breathe in for the count of 4 seconds, and breathe out for 5 seconds. As you do so, imagine something that you deeply love. It could be your cat, your grandson, or even a place in nature. Focus on this image throughout the 3 minutes. By doing this exercise, you can slow the nervous system down and even interrupt the flow of stress hormones in your body. 

Go outside. 

Mother Nature is perhaps the only living thing strong enough to handle our grief. Whether it is hiking, walking your dogs, playing in the snow, or skiing, nature heals us and calms us. Research has shown that simply getting outside once a day can fight depression and improve mood, and I know this is true for me when it comes to my grief. Whenever the pain inside of me feels like too much to bear, I know that Mother Earth can help me hold it. This is a perfect outlet if your grief becomes overwhelming at a holiday party. Say you need to go for a walk and spend a few minutes outside catching your breath. 

Start a holiday tradition that honors your grief. 

Your grief is not your enemy. Your grief is your love, and it connects you not only to the person you lost but to everyone in the world who has ever lost someone. Find a holiday tradition that honors your grief and your lost loved one, whether that is lighting a candle at Christmas mass or laying a symbolic plate for them at the holiday table. Maybe you want to give yourself a holiday card that your loved one would have chosen for you. Or perhaps you might want to hang red cardinals or another symbolic emblem like angels on your Christmas tree. Maybe you want to have a night in which you watch your loved one's favorite holiday movies or donate your afternoon to working for one of their favorite charities. Find a ritual that soothes you even as it hurts you because these poignant acts can be the most healing.

Holocaust survivor and author Victor Frankl had a famous motto that came from a song he and his fellow prisoners created together at Buchenwald: "Yes to life—in spite of everything!" An almost unbelievable message from men who had seen the very worst of humanity but still said yes to love, yes to family, yes to life even when its twin is death.  

As I mourn my son and celebrate our love this holiday season, Frankl's famous words come to me and offer me a light. Yes to the tears, yes to the anger, yes to the songs that make me cry, and yes to the memories that make me laugh. Yes to the increased dreams about Sammy and to the videos of his school concerts. Yes, to losing it in Walgreens, and yes, to caring for myself as tenderly as I cared for him as a newborn.

Because every yes brings me closer to Sammy. Closer to our love. And closer to what the holidays are about: Being together and celebrating our love for each other. 

Perhaps in the end, the reason why the holidays are so painful is not that our lost loved ones are so far away but because they are closer than ever. Maybe the veil between our two worlds is thinner and more penetrable as the energy of stillness and selflessness calls to us all. And here is the real magic of the holiday season... they were always with us, we just had to say yes and let them in. 

Dr. Laura Berman is a world-renowned sex, love and relationship therapist, columnist, bestselling author, and radio host. She earned two Masters Degrees and a PhD from New York University, and has spent the past 30 years devoting her career to helping others learn to love and be loved better from a mind, body and spiritual perspective. She currently hosts the popular love and sex advice podcast, The Language of Love. To learn more visit drlauraberman.com.