Dr. Jennifer Ashton on Life After Her Ex-Husband’s Suicide—and What She Wants You to Know About Healing

On February 11th, 2017, my ex-husband died by suicide, just 2 weeks after our divorce was finalized.

My children were 17 and 18 years old and this hit our family out of the blue, without warning, shattering our world into a zillion pieces. Rob was a cardiothoracic surgeon who was 52 years old at the time. He had no known history of depression or mental illness. He and I had seen each other just three days before at our daughter Chloe’s ice hockey game and lived across the street from each other after an amicable and mutual divorce.

What we learned (and have continued to learn) about suicide and mental illness since that day when our lives changed forever is enormous, and I want to share some of that with you today.

First, there is no “typical” picture of mental illness or someone at risk for suicide, just like people who appear healthy can and do die of sudden cardiac death. I believe we should consider anyone and everyone at risk for mental illness and start thinking of this no differently than any other disease.

Appearances can be deceiving, and we never truly know how someone is feeling or what demons they may be battling unless we ask. And when we do ask, we need to wait for the answer. Asking is critical, but also hard. It’s normal to be uncomfortable or afraid that we don’t know how to help or what to do. You don’t need to know—there are trained professionals who can help you or someone who is struggling. (More on this later.).

I learned how common death from suicide has become, and rates are going up: According to 2021 CDC data, suicide deaths in the U.S. increased 4.79 percent between the years 2020 and 2021(the most recent year of released data). And for every person who dies by suicide, it is estimated that an average of 165 people are directly affected.

This means that nearly 8 million people are affected by suicide in this country every year.

Ponder that for a moment. That’s a lot of grieving, traumatized people left to cope and heal after this unspeakable loss.

And as a family, my children and I learned that, with help and courage, healing is possible. And I shared what we learned, and how other people affected by suicide have learned to cope, in my book, Life After Suicide: Finding Courage, Comfort and Community after Unthinkable Loss.

A lot of what I share in the book comes from conversations and lessons learned in therapy, but there are stories from others who lost loved ones to suicide about what has helped and what hasn’t.

For me, processing the grief is ongoing.

It is now part of me, of who I am, and it’s always there. Some days I feel like the strongest person on Earth because of what I’ve lived through and how much I’ve grown. Other days, I feel like a glued-together piece of porcelain, precariously stable for the moment, but fearful of cracking in the face of another trauma (life does serve up trauma, of course). Most days, it’s somewhere in between, and that’s OK.

As one of my wise and beloved 80+-year-old patients once told me: “The purpose of life is not to avoid pain. The purpose of life is to learn how to live through pain.” I can say that I have done that, and that I continue to learn every single day.

I had, and probably will always have, a degree of guilt for not recognizing that Rob was in trouble until it was too late. I, as a doctor, did not see it. While he did not display any of the classic signs of mental illness or suicidality, looking back, I realized there were signs and issues that likely dated to decades earlier and his youth. I thought Rob was pulling away from me and our marriage when, in reality, he was pulling away from life.

Because of what happened, my children and I prioritize our mental health the same as our physical health.

We have coping mechanisms in place for life’s tough times. We’ve learned and now practice proper mental health/psychological well-being components of day-to-day life (communication, meditation, and stress management). And we’re in regular contact with our amazing and brilliant therapist, Dr. Sue Simring, even when things are “going well.” Today, with the increased number of apps and virtual mental healthcare support, it is easier and cheaper to access professional help than ever before (although it still needs to improve).

Today, I’m proud of my children, now almost 25 and 26, for living their lives in a manner that honors their father’s memory—with kindness, empathy, and gratitude in their hearts, rather than anger and resentment. They have inspired and encouraged me from Day 1 to use my platform to discuss this painful issue so others can be helped. This encouragement gave me the guts to talk about this publicly and write my book.

Just two weeks after Rob’s death, my son Alex said to me, “Mom, I’m not going hide this from people. There’s no reason to. Dad had a disease that killed him. It’s no different than cancer or heart disease. If he had died of a heart attack, I wouldn’t be embarrassed to tell people, and this is no different.” My children amazed me then, and they continue to amaze me today. I know Rob is watching and is similarly proud of the wonderful humans they are.

How you can help prevent suicide.

If you’re concerned that you or someone you know might be experiencing depression or suicidal thoughts, there’s help. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP.org) suggests these steps:

• Learn the signs of someone who may be at risk for suicide. Often there are changes in behavior such as mood swings, angry outbursts, or loss of interest in activities they love.
  
• Reach out to someone who you think may be struggling. Trust your gut if you are concerned. Ask directly if they have thoughts of ending their life—research shows this is helpful and does not put the thought in their mind. Connect those who are struggling to help. Share the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (listed below), and learn about local and statewide resources, as well as those for minority communities.
  
• Think of the warning signs of suicide as how someone behaves, things they may be saying, and what their mood is. Something to look out for when concerned that a person may be suicidal is a change in behavior or the presence of entirely new behaviors. This is most concerning if the new or changed behavior is related to a painful event, loss, or other life change. Most people who take their lives exhibit one or more warning signs, either through what they say or what they do. Here are some of those signs:

WARNING 1: TALK
Take note if a person talks about:

Killing themselves
Feeling hopeless
Having no reason to live
Being a burden to others
Feeling trapped
Experiencing unbearable pain

WARNING 2: BEHAVIOR
Behaviors that may signal risk, especially if related to a painful event, loss, or change:

Increased use of alcohol or drugs
Looking for a way to end their lives, such as searching online for methods
Withdrawing from activities
Isolating from family and friends
Sleeping too much or too little
Visiting or calling people (to say goodbye)
Giving away prized possessions
Aggression
Fatigue

WARNING 3: MOOD
People who are considering suicide often display one or more of the following moods:

Depressed
Anxious
Lethargic/no interest
Irritable
Humiliated/ashamed
Agitated/angry
Showing sudden improvement

HELP IS A PHONE CALL AWAY!
If you or someone you know is struggling, there is confidential, professional help available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week:

Call LIFELINE at 988
Text TALK to 741741

Just as we teach our children to call 911 if they need the police or fire department, so too should everyone know these help numbers.

Ajenda, by Dr. Jen Ashton, is a community-first women's health and weight management media company, delivering science-backed information in an effortlessly consumable way. Currently, Ajenda brings information to millions of people via Dr. Jen Ashton magazine, a biannual publication and Today's Ajenda, a weekly newsletter. Click here to sign up and follow along on Dr Jen's Ashton's Instagram.