Do You Find it Tough to Be Alone This Time of Year? Diamond Cronen Says Taking Yourself Out on a Date Can Be a Game-Changer

Last Fourth of July weekend, I didn’t have any plans. “I wish I had a partner I could take a road trip with to Big Sur,” I thought to myself. A road trip from Los Angeles, where I live, up the California coast to Big Sur was historically something I’d do with a boyfriend, friend, or a family member visiting from out of town. We’d take turns driving, stop, take pictures, and move on. It’s so beautiful up there; I yearned to go. My inner critic whispered, “But it’s so far, you’ve never driven that distance by yourself. You will get tired. What if you fall asleep behind the wheel?” What if. What if. What if. 

It’s important to listen to your inner fears; for they are always teaching you something. First, I acknowledged what that little critic was trying to tell me. (Safety is key). Then, I planned around it instead of saying no outright. I decided I’d drive halfway to Big Sur the first day. Four hours north of my home in LA, I booked an Airbnb in Santa Maria and decided to see how I felt when I got there. Perhaps I’d just want to stay and enjoy the beaches nearby. However, if I still wanted to go to Big Sur, I told myself I’d go. I could figure out the details later. Worst case scenario, I’d pull over and sleep in my car. I asked myself if that was worse than sitting alone in my apartment on a holiday weekend, wishing I was on a romantic adventure.

I packed my bags. 

Pushing through my fear and giving myself permission to do what I truly wanted resulted in me standing on Bixby Bridge with tears in my eyes as I marveled at the beauty of the sea crashing on the rocks and the delicious fog that hung over me like a protective blanket. I drove to Nepenthe and sat above the fog up in the trees, eating lunch while smiling at the birds, fully enjoying myself as I thought about all the famous authors who sat in that very café. It was pure magic. I did it. I drove 700 miles and had the time of my life.

That road trip solidified a lesson I’d heard many times before: You’ve got to love yourself before you can love someone else. On my solo trip along the winding Pacific Coast Highway last summer, I learned exactly what that means. 

To love yourself, you must care for yourself. (Yes, self-care is integral to loving yourself because it’s how you practice self-love). We are inundated with society and media telling us what self-care is. Bubble baths, retail therapy, and sheet masks are some things that come to my mind when “self-care” is brought up. Those things are great, but let’s dive deeper.

The feeling you get when you listen to your inner desires instead of self-doubt or skepticism is remarkable. Getting in touch with that unnamed part of you that is normally only accessible to the person who loves you dearly is a unique sensation. 

Imagine you’re wildly in love with the person of your dreams. (Maybe you already are, so in that case, it’s not too hard to imagine what that feels like.) Now, imagine you are that person and the person they love. It’s a bit weird, even scary, at first. Think about it and really ask yourself: How would I treat myself if I was madly in love with myself—if I wasn’t afraid of what others thought of me? What would I do? How would I act? 

For me, taking that road trip helped me see that spending time with myself doing incredible things is one of the strongest forms of self-love. So, these days, I regularly take myself out on dates. It pushes me past the boundaries of fear that typically keep me from doing things solo.

I pick wildflowers (or buy a bouquet) for myself. I take spontaneous trips, plan activities, and go to nice dinners—on my own. I put the same amount of thought into my appearance as I would for any other date. I write love notes or poems to myself and stick them on the bathroom mirror. I flirt—with everyone, with life. These are dates; ways of treating and loving that are specifically tailored to me. 

Intrigued, but not sure where to start? Here’s my best advice: 

Think about what sounds most delicious to you—what brings you the most excitement. What would absolutely make you swoon if a lover did that for you? That’s your starting point. Remember there is no limit. This how you plant a seed in the soil of self-love. Expand from there. 

Fight the urge to give up if you find it hard to come up with a solo date at first. You may have mental blocks to the idea of doing something by yourself that you really want to do with a partner. Maybe it’s been so long since you thought about how you want to be loved that your mind draws a blank. Or, perhaps there’s a whisper in your head of all the reasons why you can’t do such and such. I promise: You can do it. And once you do, you’ll open yourself up to the ultimate form of self-love and reverence. Furthermore, you’ll start to realize you’re romancing yourself and your life in a deep way. 

Give yourself some time for the benefits to really set in. With time, this practice alters your self-perception and how you value yourself. It allows you to get clear on what excites you most, which in turn teaches you a lot about yourself. Considering what actions (big or small) feel the best and most expansive to your heart and then taking those actions is a self-affirming practice, especially because we usually don’t listen to those needs. It’s gratifying in ways you won’t know until you start. When you make solo dates a habit, get ready for an inner transformation that feels damn good.

If you think you don’t have time for this kind of self-care, take a moment to think about how you treat your loved ones. You likely listen carefully when they speak, treat them with gentleness, and take actions that support them. When I realized I was not nearly close to treating myself the way I treat others, I made some big changes—and discovered magic happens when you treat yourself with the same kind of reverence. 

Somewhere on my solo road trip, I worked through some sadness I was feeling and soothed the part of me that felt burned out. I listened to myself. There’s a quiet confidence that seeps in every time I come back from a solo date. Understanding what it feels like to be the object of your deepest affections gives you a unique perspective. Even better, I’ll now know how to answer when a lover wants to know exactly how I want and need to be loved. 

Even if my partner doesn’t show up soon, I feel secure because I know deep down that I will be deeply loving myself in the meantime.

I already asked myself what my plans are next weekend and we’ve devised a seriously fun adventure.

Diamond Cronen (she/her) is a professional archivist with a Master’s in Library & Information Science and a B.S. in Political Science & Philosophy. Diamond has worked to create private archives for families in Los Angeles.