Dear Dr. Coleman: “My Husband Died and My Daughter Is Mad I Got Remarried. Help!”

Dear Doctor,

The distance with my 37-year-old daughter, after a lifetime of a close mutually supportive relationship, came when I chose to marry two years after the death of my beloved husband who was loved by my daughter, her husband and our four grandchildren. 

Last year, daughter and son-in-law said they were disappointed that I "needed another man" and that I chose someone 9 years my senior who probably would need my TLC over time, but who would also leave me financially secure. My daughter actually asked me, "What would this say about marriage to your grandchildren?" 

To her disrespectful behavior I respond by taking a deep breath and saying nothing. My new husband feels that he is the cause of this estrangement and feels guilty. My sadness for not responding and acting in this difficult situation diminishes the wholeness of our wonderful life together in this the "home stretch" of our lives. Any ideas?

Signed,
Conflicted 

Dear Conflicted,

Well, it’s a little selfish of your daughter to say that she’s disappointed you need another man now that your husband is gone. Are you supposed to live for the rest of your life on memories? That’s an absurd position for her to ask you to take.

Nonetheless, I would try to do explore what she’s thinking or feeling. I might say something like, “Sweetheart, I guess it’s really hard for you to see me with another man. I understand that. You don’t have to like him if you don’t want to. I think he’s wonderful and I bet you wouldn’t feel that happy if I were alone and lonely, would you? Is that what you plan to do if your husband dies first? It may seem like it now but it might not then. Neither of us are being disloyal to the memory of your father.”  

I would also ask what her specific worries are about your new marriage. Try to be empathic to what concerns her and address the issues that are factual in nature such as whether it would affect your estate plan. For example, even if he has his own resources, she could worry that her inheritance would go to him or his children from a prior marriage if you pass first.

I would also make it clear, if you haven’t already, that your deceased husband would’ve wanted this for you. 

I remember when a friend of my parents was on her deathbed, her husband leaned over and said, “Sylvia, how long do you want me to wait after you’re gone before I start dating again?” His wife of 40 years took his hand, looked into his eyes and said, “About 15 minutes.” 

I love that story because that’s how it should be. Not that you would necessarily ask that of your spouse on their death bed, but her sentiment highlights that life is for the living and that no one is served in believing that a new love is a betrayal of the old one.

Of course, children sometimes see it differently. Her fond memories of her deceased father are still active and alive so she may view your new husband as intruding on those memories. Your new husband may bring out aspects of you that their father couldn’t; for example, he might make you laugh more, be more extroverted or socially engaged and that may cause her to view your marriage to her father with a more critical eye — a reality she might not yet be ready to face. 

On the other hand, your new husband might dampen parts of you that she valued, for example, if you’ve become more subdued or deferential to him. You might not care or even notice, but she might miss the old you. Ideally, you would have a conversation where you express openness to what she has to say and she is open to modifying her position.

Regardless of her emotions or where she takes it, your behavior is not something you’re obligated to change. In addition, neither you nor your new husband has anything to apologize for. You’re doing what we should all do when those that we love pass away: cherish their memories and continue to build new ones with the living.

Joshua Coleman, Ph.D. is a psychologist and Senior Fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families. He has written for The Atlantic, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal and has appeared on Sesame Street, Today, 20-20, NPR, Good Morning America and many other outlets. His latest book is Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict. Learn more at www.drjoshuacoleman.com.