Dear Dr. Coleman: “Help! My Dad Is Dating a Woman My Age and I Don’t Want to Meet Her”

Dear Doctor,

My parents got divorced about five years ago. While I wasn’t happy with it, I was out of the house and maintained a good relationship with both of them. My mother has no desire to date, but my father started dating fairly soon after they split. I’m fine with both of them getting on with their lives and finding new partners. The problem is that my father’s new fiancé is the same age as me—31! I’m sure she’s nice, but I have no desire to meet her and it’s affecting my relationship with my dad. Am I being unfair?

Dear Reader,

It’s always a little complicated when a parent starts dating after divorce. And it is certainly not unusual to feel conflicted about a parent dating someone closer to your age. Especially someone who’s the same gender as you. But it can be helpful to drill down into what specifically bothers you about the situation.

For example, do you worry that your mother will feel more diminished by comparison to your father’s fiancé’s youth and beauty? Daughters can feel especially loyal to their mothers, and having your dad date someone much younger than he is might make you feel more protective of your mom. Given that, do you feel like your mom would think you were being disloyal to her by tolerating, liking, or even being close to your dad’s significant other? 

Does her age make her seem more like a bigger rival for your dad’s interest or affection than if he was with someone much older? 

Do you judge your father for wanting someone who’s not his age or close to it, as though he’s desperately trying to recapture his youth? 

Do you worry that your dad’s fiancé is more likely to take advantage of him than someone who is older and perhaps more established? 

Finally, while most people try to avoid thinking about the sex lives of their parents, this woman’s age may make such imagery even harder to put out of your mind—and that may also be working against her.

Any or all of these concerns are normal and not surprising. The issue is how it’s impacting your relationship with your dad. You said that you had a good relationship with him prior to his starting to date, but you haven’t seen him since and have no desire to. While it’s unlikely that talking to your dad about your feelings will or should change his mind, you might feel better getting it all out on the table and letting him know your objections or concerns. 

You should prep the conversation by saying something like, “I’m sure you’ve noticed I’ve been much less available to get together or even talk with since you started dating  ________. On one hand, I’m glad you’ve found somebody and I really want you to be happy. On the other hand, I’m really struggling with the fact that she’s the same age as I am. I think it would be helpful if I could tell you how I feel about it and have you just listen and not respond or try to defend yourself. Does that work for you?”  

Then, in an affectionate and non-judgmental way, go through all of the things that concern you. Hopefully, your father has the skills to empathize with you or address your concerns. If there are specific questions you have about his fiancé, this would be a good time to ask him. If he gets defensive, remind him that the purpose of the sit-down is for him to simply listen, learn, and be open to what you have to say.

It's not unusual for children of divorce to have very mixed emotions about the person their parent starts to date or fall in love with, regardless of their age. A parent’s dating heralds a new era, not only for them but for the adult child who has to more fully mourn the loss of the family they once knew. Those emotions are completely understandable, and perhaps you need a little more time to make sense of it all.

But at some point, you’ll have to move forward. You said that you were close with your dad before he started dating, so I’m sure it’s not in your best interest to sacrifice your relationship with him on the altar of those emotions—however compelling and understandable they are. 

Since you haven’t met your father’s fiancé yet, try to be open-minded about who she is or what positives she brings to your dad’s life. You might really like her. Even if you don’t, it is his decision who to love.

Joshua Coleman, Ph.D. is a psychologist and Senior Fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families. He has written for The Atlantic, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal and has appeared on Sesame Street, Today, 20-20, NPR, Good Morning America and many other outlets. His latest book is Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict. Learn more at www.drjoshuacoleman.com.