Want to Redefine the Second Half of Your Life? Dawn Barton Says the Secret Is Making “No” Your Midlife Battle Cry

There is a massive, invisible racetrack in life. As women, we are lovingly placed on that track in our own special lane by our parents, and the world around us reinforces that we stay in it. And not knowing any different, we run, and we run, and we run on the racetrack of life.

We stay in our own specific lane, being the best versions of ourselves we can possibly be, while briefly stopping along the way to pick up the additions of life: friendships, education, marriage, children, careers, and hobbies. Sometimes we don’t stop, and life tosses more stuff at us anyway. Slowly, slowly, bit by bit, our load gets a little larger and heavier, with some things we desire and some we don’t.

But one day, the weight of it feels heavier than ever before, and the distance we have traveled begins to wear on our feet. Our backs start to ache, and we simply tire of carrying it all. That’s when, for the first time, we notice that our lane is actually lined with benches. One day we slow down and decide to stop and have a seat on a bench. And in that tiny reprieve, we decide that, just for a moment, we will place the many things we’re carrying on the ground next to our feet. We lean back, close our eyes, and breathe.

This is more than a simple act of carbon dioxide leaving our bodies. As our lungs move inward and push the air out of our bodies, it pushes something else out too— all the unnecessary confines of our lives. The “you have tos,” “you shoulds,” and the “because it’s always been done that ways.” And in that moment, sitting on an imaginary bench along an imaginary track, we make a decision to start saying NO to carrying it all.

Imagine that. Visualize it. See yourself transported to the No Zone.

The No Zone is a magnificent place to arrive in one’s life. It’s empowering and freeing. It’s where you finally start saying no to carrying the things you are supposed to carry rather than the things you want to carry. You step into a life where you are saying yes to YOU and to all that gives you a better and happier life. You begin reaching for the bars that YOU set, not bending to societal demands that don’t sit right with you.

My big bench moment occurred in a rather unexpected and peculiar way—in my house and because of social media. When it was time for my first book to be released, it was important, according to my publisher and my agent, for me to focus on increasing my social media following. I needed a more authentic approach, really showing “me” so that readers would resonate more easily. Everything I had done up to that point involved carefully written posts and an edited, perfectly posed photo on a highly curated feed.

If I were to just “be myself,” then the world would see that I rarely wore makeup and that I have what used to be a respectable double chin that was rapidly morphing into a hanging-swaying back-and-forth kind of chin. Then, one day, in a rush to get something posted and out the door, I quickly posted a video, a BAD one— without filters or makeup, and even a moment when I looked over my shoulder and gave the world a profile shot that revealed my melting mess of a neck.

And you know what?

Nothing happened. No one cared. Because when it came down to it, people weren’t following me for strategies on how to get a tighter neck or makeup tips.

When we become more authentic about who we are and even a little more vulnerable, it’s like honey to a bear for other women. We are so drawn to one another’s authenticity we can’t even help ourselves. We want to know that we aren’t alone, that someone else has the same struggles and joys that we do. We want to see ourselves in others and to feel connected. Believe it or not, a lot of that comes in saying NO. Because when we keep saying yes to the things that don’t make us a better woman, we’re sending out the wrong message about what matters to us and what doesn’t.

At best, these messages might cause us to miss out on connecting with others as deeply as we could; at worst, we could be perpetuating the same unfair, unrealistic expectations society is placing on all of us.

Once I crossed into the glorious No Zone in my late forties, I began giving permission to myself to say no and set healthier boundaries. It was like I started skipping through my life with a magic wand tapping on all of the different things in my life...nope, no way, nada, nein, nevah. I was a fierce superhero with a dazzling NO wand.

The older I have gotten, the better I am at fine-tuning the no, which also means thinking about what I say yes to. I am learning to ask myself: Does saying yes serve my purpose, my well- being, my values, my priorities?

Because what we say no to and what we say yes to are equally important.

My sweet friend, if you haven’t already, step into the No Zone. Sit down on one of those benches and start making a list of all the things you want to say no to. Then pull out that fierce fairy wand on those puppies and say, “No, nope, not gonna do it.” You are worth this. You deserve this. Now go say NO.

Adapted from “Midlife Battle Cry: Redefining the Mighty Second Half” by DawnBarton. Copyright 2023 by Dawn Barton. Used by permission of Thomas Nelson Publishing. www.harpercollinschristian.com

Self-proclaimed “Professional Joyologist” Dawn Barton  has made it her mission to help people rediscover connection and re-engage with their passion during the “mighty second half” of life. She left a 30-years career with Mary Kay, where she was the #7 sales director, in order to start holding workshops for women who feel they are in a pivot point in life, who are failing to find the next step after being an empty-nester or even those who have retired but still have an entrepreneurial drive, to age with intention and fulfillment.

Question from the Editor: Are you a believer in the power of saying “no” and its ability to show you what you’re a “yes” for?