Caught in the Middle—Whose Side Do You Take, Your Spouse or Your Child?

Dear Dr.

My 32 year-old daughter had a falling out with my husband, her father, and now she’s not speaking to him. The fight was kind of dumb on both of their parts, but neither is willing to give an inch toward apologizing. My husband is mad at me and says I’m enabling my daughter by talking to her if she’s not talking to him. He says that we should have a united front. I don’t agree, but maybe he’s right?  

Caught in the Middle

I think your daughter is a little old for the united front idea. At this point the issue can best be defined by asking who is the parent, who is the child, and what are your obligations to each as a mother and spouse?

When in doubt, I believe that it is a good idea for parents to take the high road when conflict arises with their adult children. This is true for a number of reasons: Even though our adult children may feel and act like equals, the legacy of our role as authority figures, however benign, and the ability to hurt our children with our authority or the meaning they assign to us is not something that necessarily goes away when they’re grown.

To that end, an argument between a father and his grown daughter may be more consequential to the adult child than seems obvious. She may have felt far more hurt, insulted, or disrespected than your husband is able to see. She may also view your husband as being far more resilient or able to handle her arguing with him than he, in fact, is.

Because she has decided not to talk to him after the fight, and assuming he has done nothing to repair it, she may believe that the only power she has to protest his behavior is to completely withdraw. He may view that as petulant, passive-aggressive, or manipulative. She may experience it as necessary and self-protective.

Little will be resolved by your allying with him against her. Even if she had been explicitly disrespectful of him, he’s a grown-up and shouldn’t need you to side with him or back him up. While he is entitled to your empathy for how hurt or upset he feels about his daughter’s rejection, your daughter might need your support because she might not feel strong enough to take him on, and that’s why she has stopped talking to him.

It you’re going to use any of your spousal influence, I would use it to help him apologize to her, empathize with how his words were experienced by her, and offer to do a few sessions of family therapy around it. He should be prepared to hear more about the errors of his parenting from years past, and he should welcome that as a way to deepen his relationship with her.

If she complains about him to you, you’re in a better position to say that he is sincere in his wish to repair or strengthen their relationship. But don’t feel obligated to defend him or explain away his actions beyond that. She might need to be mad at him for a while and it may be empowering for her to her to take this stance.

If it goes on for too long you could say something like the following to her: “I do understand what you said about Dad’s issues, but he has apologized, I think he’s sincere, and he’s willing to go to family therapy around it. I think everyone makes mistakes in families and deserves a chance at repair.”

If you husband is unwilling to do what I’m recommending, then it may be time to drag him into some couple’s counseling around it. An adult child who stops talking to a parent is serious business and will not only affect the well-being of your husband and your daughter, it can also be harmful to your marriage.

Joshua Coleman, Ph.D. is a psychologist and Senior Fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families. He has written for The Atlantic, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Behavioral Scientist, CNN, NBC, among others and has appeared on Sesame Street, Today, 20-20, NPR, Good Morning America and many other media outlets. His latest book is Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict. Dr. Coleman offers trainings to professionals and coaches on the topic of family estrangements. Learn more atwww.drjoshuacoleman.com