Singer/Songwriter Stephanie Quayle Shares 3 Lessons She Learned After Getting Out of a Toxic Relationship—and Advice to Help Others Find Freedom

I didn’t know I was in a toxic relationship when I was in it. Who does? It’s so much easier in hindsight to see things clearly, to see a relationship for what it was. It’s been fourteen years and only now can I see it clearly and understand the relationship dynamics fully.

Maybe you’re where I was fourteen years ago, trapped in something that doesn’t make sense or confused by your relationship. Maybe it’s not toxic but it’s certainly not healthy. Maybe you are just starting to see cracks or warning signs and are wondering what the foundation of this relationship is—and whether you should stay or go.

I can’t tell you what to do or how to react. But I can walk you through the phases of my relationship and my path toward freedom and healing afterward—and maybe you’ll learn or receive something that helps you make sense of your own situation. That’s what I am to do in my new book, Why Do We Stay? How My Toxic Relationship Can Help You Find Freedom. And it’s why I’m sharing some of the lessons I’ve learned about why we stay in toxic relationships—and some reflections that may help you set yourself free.

Lesson No. 1: When we’re in love, when we’re vulnerable, we see what we choose to see, we hear what we choose to hear, and we believe what we choose to believe. But sometimes we need our eyes to be opened. 

For reflection:

Choose to see well. Falling in love and seeing the best in your partner is healthy and positive, but it also has risks. In your past relationships, have there been times when rose- colored glasses—or seeing the best in another—were helpful? Were there other times when you were blind to a partner’s toxic behaviors?

Learn from healthy relationships. In the healthy relationships around you, notice how each partner in the relationship relates to the other. Do they idealize one another? Or do they really know one another deeply like close friends or family? Or is it a combination?

Learn from toxic relationships. How do individuals in unhealthy relationships relate to each other? If one of your friends remains in a toxic relationship, what do you think your friend sees in their partner that other people don’t? Are they blinded to negative things their partner does? How do they exaggerate the positive aspects of their partner to cover up the negative? 

Lesson No. 2: One of the ways we can gather insightful information about a partner is by spending time with them in the presence of the people who know them and care about them.

And while I loved spending time with Paulo’s daughter, Eden, we both had similar

experiences of Paulo: we knew only what he wanted us to know about him. And the life that Paulo and I shared didn’t leave room for me to gather the kind of information that would add to my understanding of who he was. I didn’t know his family. The relationships I had with his friends were surface-level and guarded. At the end of the day, they were his friends; therefore, they’d protect him and his secrets at any cost.

For reflection:

Build your trust network. Think about people in your life whom you trust to offer you smart, honest, and loving feedback about your relationships, like a parent, sibling, best friend, or therapist. What could you do to strengthen or grow that network? 

Trust yourself. We all have skills, insights, and wisdom that people seek from us. Think about some of these strengths that you have and those areas where you have the most confidence. What decisions are you good at making? What wisdom or skills do you have that people seek from you?

Lesson No. 3: Sometimes it takes being out of a toxic relationship to see clearly.

It wasn’t until I was out of my toxic relationship that I was able to see it for what it was. But that didn’t happen overnight. It took time. It took courage. It took vulnerability. It took the support of the people who loved me.

Maybe, like me, you are finally free of the toxic person to whom you were once bound. But that doesn’t mean there’s not still work to be done. Once you’re out of a toxic relationship, you finally have space to do that work and to heal. You have room to breathe again. You have room to reflect and see what was really going on in your relationship. And I want to encourage you to keep doing the work. Give yourself the time and space you deserve to heal.

I encourage you to do this work before entering your next romantic relationship. If you do not take the time to heal, no matter how much you promise yourself you will find someone “better,” you’ll keep repeating the same old patterns. (I speak with authority. You’ll see.) Getting out of the relationship is your first step toward freedom. Now keep going.

For reflection:

Identify the patterns in your relationships. Do you find yourself dating the same person over and over again? Looking at your past relationships, do you notice any consistent negative behavioral patterns across partners? Do you think your friends notice any negative patterns in your behavior? If yes, when do you think those started?

Consider seeking support from a group. For some of us, reaching out to a support group, in our town or online, is second nature. For others, it can feel uncomfortable to reach out. If you have tried this, what benefits did you experience? Have you looked into group support? If not, then why?

Why do we stay?

I’m still doing the work to understand why I stayed—in more than one relationship. And I’m grateful for how far I’ve come on this journey.

I learned many of these lessons later in life than I wish I had. The lost years are gone. But today my time is more precious to me than ever before. I don’t get lost in the things I can’t control anymore.

Today, I trust my gut. If it feels right, I press in. If it doesn’t, I walk away. I welcome quiet. The quiet is where my thoughts get to make themselves known. I don’t push them away anymore; I invite them to say what they have to say, and to stay awhile.

Over the course of these last few years, I’ve learned to love myself. I know it sounds cliché, but here’s the truth I’m living:

I don’t put myself down anymore. I don’t swim in shame. I look in the mirror in the worst lighting after no sleep and find something nice to say about myself. I look back on everyone who has come in and out of the saloon doors of my life with a lot more grace and understanding.

What if true love is first and foremost about truly loving yourself?

Then everyone who loves you after that is gravy. No, better than gravy: whipped cream topping, perfectly chilled, topped with shredded dark chocolate and a few fresh, ripe raspberries.

Beloved, if you are in a toxic relationship, don’t stay. You deserve to be emotionally and physically safe. You deserve to be loved well.

Wherever you are on this journey today, I am cheering you on as you take your next step toward freedom. I am always here, with courage for you to borrow and a heart to listen. 

Taken from Why Do We Stay?: How My Toxic Relationship Can Help You Find Freedom by Stephanie Quayle. Copyright © 2024 Stephanie Quayle. Used by permission of Harper Celebrate. 

Stephanie Quayle is a Nashville recording artist who tours the world with her music and an entrepreneur with her own record label, Big Sky Music Group. As an independent artist with two Billboard charted singles, “Selfish” and “Whatcha Drinkin ’Bout,” she has repeatedly performed at CMA Fest and the Grand Ole Opry.